Until Then

It’s hard to fathom the depth of my sadness

When sadness is actually sickness

When it’s actually the signs of disorder

When my everyday ache isn’t a passing pain it’s a sign that I’m losing my mind

When my everyday agitated ideas are symptoms of something bigger

A sickness that needs more than tissues and hugs

A sickness that needs time

That needs meds

That needs monitoring

Because as the sickness builds

The sadness mounts

And as the sadness sinks me

The sickness devours me

I’m so dark I can’t find you

I cry with fire behind each eye, tears that cut salty rivers across my face

It feels like I’m always this sad

This sick

This torture so familiar

It feels like family

My perspective and objectivity lost in my darkness

My hands finally stop shaking but my fingers fuse into fists and I can’t hold your hand

I forget how to use words, to line up letters, to string together sentences asking for help

My name feels so shallow and sorrowful, I roll “Rachel” around in my mouth

It feels like a made-up word, a made-up person, I excel at forgetting myself

Piece by piece

Bit by bit

Succumbing to sadness

To sickness

Realizing my existence wasn’t meant for much

Will I ever live without this agony inside of me?

That waits for me, haunts me

Alone with this slow destruction

This soft decay

I don’t understand this illness even after all these years

I don’t know how to live with this disease

But I keep trying

Hurting

But

Staying

Aching

But

Existing

Looking for answers under my empty tongue

Searching for meaning in your brown eyes

Maybe someday they will figure out how to fix me

Rachel who is so sad, so sick

Until then we do our best to smile