Step by Step

My anxiety has been ramping up as the start of the school year looms. I can’t stop worrying about teachers, students, and everyone else who will be exposed to COVID because schools and universities are dangerously shortsighted. I’m overwhelmed by the world we live in, about our atrocious, unethical, incompetent leadership, and how it doesn’t seem like things are going to get better. I’m nervous about everyday things and the health of my family and friends. My chest is perpetually tight and my stomach feels like quicksand. It feels like panic attacks are haunting me and the more I fret about having a panic attack, the more likely that my frazzled energy will spiral into one.

I’ve always carried anti-anxiety meds in my purse as a safety precaution but I’ve recently had to bring them when I walk my dogs. Walking my dogs is one of my absolute favorite things but now my anxiety feels so big I have to bring my medication with me. It used to be that walking my pups alleviated my stress but now panic can be just around the corner. It’s pretty demoralizing that I can’t feel safe while doing something I love with two little stinky fur-balls who give me purpose. I’m lucky that I have meds that work, that can mellow my anxiety, but my heart still aches.

I’m anxious. I’m worried. I’m overwhelmed. I’m nervous. I’m practicing self-care and trying to take things day by day, step by step, but life feels so intimidating. It’s weird to feel homesick for a world we’ll never get back.

Dr. Rachel Kallem Whitman is an educator, advocate, and writer who has been shacking up with bipolar disorder since 2000. Rachel is an adjunct professor who teaches courses on unpacking ableism (disability oppression) and her speeches, interviews, and writings on the topic have garnered acclaim locally in her hometown of Pittsburgh, PA, across the United States, and internationally. Her debut book, “Instability in Six Colors,” paints a vivid picture of what it is like living with chronic mental illness, trauma, and a complicated relationship with sanity, safety, and suicide. Rachel’s mission and passion is to create a safe community to empower individuals to look beyond their illness to find themselves. You can buy this bipolar narrative through One Idea Press, a woman-owned independent press based out of Pittsburgh, PA, as a paper copy or ebook. For more of her work please be sure to check out Rachel’s website seebrightness.com and visit her Medium page.