so much trouble for sight
These eyes are so messy
All they do is scream and sing
And beg and bleed
Rattle and roar
Clench and cramp
Viciously vibrate
Insisting on seeing
Why do I bother?
Why do I need them?
Just two wet circles placed side by side
Clutching the bridge of my nose
My head doesn’t even hold them right
When I wink and blink I bait disease
I can feel her fingers digging between my lids
Why does she bother?
Why does she need them?
Peel back the flaps of skin and overthrow the guard of lashes
All she has to do is push her greasy hands into my pupils
And pop them out
Liquid visions
In her sticky mouth
She pouts and a cornea slips out
Slides down her cheek
Stalling at her chin before staining her shirt
Why does she bother?
Why does she need them?
Now she’s covered with premature tears
Not cried but stolen
She wedges these eyes between her teeth
Trapped by gums
The pressure builds until their juicy centers threaten to burst
But her mouth suddenly swells shut
She can’t chew, she can’t breathe
They curl their webs clogging her throat
She chokes
She gags
Fighting back
Vengeful eyes scratching and sliding up and down the roof of her mouth
Abused balls crammed into her cheeks
Why does she bother?
Why does she need them?
She wretches
Eyes coated in slick bile, wriggling in the palms of her hands
Very much alive
Her mouth ripped open, spit collecting on her lips
Haggard breathing
She stares furiously at me
They were her eyes that I promised I’d hold
Until she gets back
They were never mine
What a terrible keeper
But why do we need them?
Why do we bother?
So much trouble for sight
Dr. Rachel Kallem Whitman is an educator, advocate, and writer who has been shacking up with bipolar disorder since 2000. Rachel is an adjunct professor who teaches courses on unpacking ableism (disability oppression) and her speeches, interviews, and writings on the topic have garnered acclaim locally in her hometown of Pittsburgh, PA, across the United States, and internationally. Her debut book, “Instability in Six Colors,” paints a vivid picture of what it is like living with chronic mental illness, trauma, and a complicated relationship with sanity, safety, and suicide. Rachel’s mission and passion is to create a safe community to empower individuals to look beyond their illness to find themselves. You can buy this bipolar narrative through One Idea Press, a woman-owned independent press based out of Pittsburgh, PA, as a paper copy or ebook. For more of her work please be sure to check out Rachel’s website seebrightness.com and visit her Medium page.
