Not Again

I live with a liar.

I’ve been slipping up lately. I can feel myself backsliding. I’ve been indulging the anorexic voice in my head that’s making promises it can’t keep. Whispering in my ear that if I lost weight my life would be better. If I was thinner my problems would be solved. If I took up less space I’d have more value.

It’s easy to be manipulated by this illness because it echoes what the world wants. It is in line with reality. Society celebrates smaller bodies. It champions flat stomachs and legs without cellulite. It praises bodies that adhere to our toxic expectations of beauty and desirability. It’s incredibly hard to challenge the logic of an eating disorder. To convince yourself that society is broken, not you. To fight back against the unhealthy norms established by a world that is threatened by bodies that refuse to be controlled.

Loving your body in this world is an act of rebellion. Being happy with yourself is liberation. Living the life you want is revolutionary. But it’s so hard to get there when anorexia poisons your mind and destroys your body. Skipping meals can be exhilarating. Smaller numbers on the scale means you’re succeeding. Weighing less and less feels like you’re winning. But when you follow anorexia’s rules, you forfeit your right to live. Anorexia becomes your sole reason for existing. Anorexia wants you to worship it. Anorexia wants you to sacrifice yourself. Anorexia won’t be satisfied until you’re dead.

I’m working really, really hard to love myself. I’m working really, really hard to eat. I’m working really, really hard to not give up and let anorexia consume me. I almost died from this disease once and I can’t lose everything again. I can’t do this to my friends and family. I can’t do this to myself. I know deep down I’m worth more than that.

I’m a resilient person but that doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting. I’m so tired of fighting my mental illnesses. It’s emotionally and physically draining. But I can’t give up. I won’t. I’m stronger this time. When my anorexia first took over it tricked me into thinking that I’d only be loved if I was less, but I’ve found the love I was looking for. I’m lucky to have people who care about me. Support me. Who love me unconditionally. I don’t need to listen to anorexia’s lies because I am enough, and so many people remind me of that every day. I want to thank everyone for believing in me.

I am hopeful. I know I can do this. I will do it. Fighting anorexia requires immense courage but I know that I’m brave.

That’s the real truth.