Missing
In ninth grade my life became more complicated
Not just because of new glasses and bad bangs
My body threatened to drift away
My brain promised it would catch on fire
But her brown eyes kept me close
I couldn’t keep track of my heart
So I let her have it
I knew she didn’t love me, but I tried anyway
Sleepovers in my corner bedroom
Lying on my side mesmerized by the rise and fall of her chest
Kissing her eyelids one at a time like our lustful friendship was actually romance
An incredibly confused, barely bisexual high school student finding her way out
I wanted desperately to keep her for myself
I was anorexic and bipolar and falling apart
Everything hurt
Every breath, every word, every moment I managed to hold my head up
I was always on the cusp of crashing and shattering
I thought she was perfect
That she’d fix me
She caught me but I didn’t know how to hold on
It was so much simpler for her to let me go
I knew our first kiss would never last
But I tried anything and everything to show how much I needed her
She fed me excuses, some more honest than others
I cried every time she pushed me away
And welcomed her deeply, unconditionally, when she came back
She told me that we were just pretending to be in love
I smiled and nodded and lied
I was dying
Organs failing and illness tearing me apart
But what a beautiful distraction
Watching over me
Reassuring me that through it all I would be ok
She squeezed my hand
She left kisses on my lips
She caught caresses on my collarbones
I was left blessed
It was easy to forget my battered body when her lips grazed my neck
She never told me I was beautiful but she touched me with such care that I understood
At times we were petty and jealous
She flirted with the boy in marching band
But always quietly
Only expressed through furrowed eyebrows and turned down mouths
Fluent in each other’s body language
Other times our hands drifted together in the hallway
Our knuckles grazing, our skin fighting to stay close
To read each other’s palms
“You will live a long life together”
I was the sick one, but her life was jagged and much more complicated than my jutting bones
Than the bickering voices conjured by my insanity
She dealt with real voices, voices telling her how she had to live her life
How to be a good girl
A disciplined woman
How to dress and smile and accept a life she might not want
There was no real goodbye, but we both knew it was over the last time she squeezed my hand in the stairwell
Looking at me with eyes full of apologies even though it wasn’t her fault
And that was it
I left with my disorders, going to college and praying I could figure things out
I held onto her pain for years
I held on to her
I worried that she was miserable, lost, and lonely but at the same time I wanted to punish her for leaving me so easily
I couldn’t help but wonder if she felt the same way about me
My heart took turns blaming her and wishing for her
It took time but I found myself
Sometimes it’s too hard to love
Too much to risk than you’re ready for
Love that you tell yourself isn’t worth it even though there’s a chance it might be
But you let go because there are so many things that are bigger than your high school feelings
Her existence was structured with more rules and rigidity than I thought
In another world maybe I would’ve been worth it
Maybe her life wouldn’t have been so decided
Eyes, lips, kisses, faint touches, a recipe of love that I once ached for
Our string of moments
Memorized through hugs and kisses
Eager lips and soft fingers
Kindness and playfulness
She left me with a lonely, electric crack in my heart
The perfect metaphor for our relationship
I will always cherish that bit of broken
It will help me remember her
But I promised myself I would never miss her
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