I’m Ready to Glow

I don’t have many photos of myself when my anorexia was at its most vicious. I remember desperately trying to avoid my picture being taken because I was so insecure. I thought I was fat. Ugly. Stupid. I thought that I didn’t have the right to exist, let alone be happy. My body was a source of shame, embarrassment, and disgust.

Eating disorders are insidious and seductive illnesses. They promise you that once you look a certain way, weigh a certain amount, that life will be perfect. That you will finally be perfect. But it’s all a lie. As I lost myself more and more to my eating disorder I knew that everything it promised was a complete lie but I didn’t have a reality without anorexia. It was the narrator of my life. I really thought that I had become my illness. Back then if you caught me in a photo I was unrecognizable. I was so sick. I would force a grimace because I was in too much pain to smile. I remember praying to die because that was the only way to be free. To find peace.

If you’re not familiar with the term “glow up” it’s used to describe someone who was an “ugly duckling” who grows up/glows up to become a beautiful swan. These stories and contrasting photos are all over social media. People sharing before and after photos of pre-teen awkwardness transformed into attractiveness. And in many of these narratives, the main ingredient to glowing up is losing weight. This idea that we have to earn conventional attractiveness to celebrate ourselves is so damaging. We’re taught that thinness is a sign of success. That losing weight is evidence of self-improvement. Maturity. Confidence. It’s total toxic bullshit. Weight loss is not mandatory to prove your worth.

I have my own glow-up story. And it does involve weight- it’s not my entire story-but glowing up to become a happier and more authentic version of myself did require gaining weight. But more importantly, it required me to learn that weight shouldn’t be the most important part of my life. The most important part of myself. My weight is not an indicator of success or failure. These days I’m stronger, more confident, and my smile is a genuine reflection of all the hard work I’ve put in to heal and feel whole. These days I’m also capable of so much self-love. And loving myself exactly as I am has granted me the peace I deserve. The freedom to finally glow.