Good Night My Sweet Disease

I write because my brain won’t stop kicking

My eyes won’t stop whirring

Nothing about me is quiet

With a mind so loud I’m embarrassed

Won’t you rest my darling

The thought of waking our new neighbors with my speeding, seething, screeching beliefs

Brilliant and confusing

They don’t make sense to anyone, barely even me, but I have to scribble them down in the dark

Pages lit by my cell phone as I scratch out ideas trying not to stir my husband

Blue ink on crumpled paper

My fingers electric with ideas

My hands red and shaking

My love, my light, it’s time for bed

But everything about him is calm

His rising chest

His deep breaths

He is always balanced

His tempo slow and soothing

I’m erratic and cutting into fragments and he simply sighs into his dreams

Peaceful

My music falling out of my mouth

WHAT NOISE! I hear the dogs shake their heads

How can I not be jealous?

My tender pet under the covers

I keep on rattling the neighbors with my fevered feelings and sick hands

I just can’t find my own sleep

To be evicted from this nightmare

From the adrenaline and cortisol, my fucked up brain chemistry, and whatever else makes my synapses sizzle

Spinning me a futile lullaby

Sleep tight, sweet panicked princess

I bite my tongue to taste how the crazies’ bleed

To let “Good night, Spencer” decay in my throat

Tomorrow I have to take more pills

Numb myself from eyebrows to ankles

Leaving my feet to feel the fury of being stuck on carpeted floors

Crazy confessional turning into a prescription cell

Somehow I let myself go crazy

I was so careful and yet here we are

Lips leaving kisses on the ceiling

See you in the morning my cute little lunatic

I lie here ashamed

Trying to pretend that I am ok

Not a slave to my sleepless whims

I’m not sick, just wide awake

And that’s how the disease spreads